Dear Sir or Madam
by Newly
Summary: Tired of watching issues not quite address themselves, Iruka opens an anonymous advice column. As chuunins, his former students find love more troublesome than missions… A story told through letter correspondence. SakuSasuNaruHinaShikaInoNejiTenKakaIru
1. oh, so it's a hormonal thing

**Dear Sir or Madam  
chapter 1**

**Summary**: Tired of watching issues not quite address themselves, Iruka opens an anonymous advice column. As chuunins, his former students find love more troublesome than missions… A story told through letter correspondence. SakuSasuNaruHinaShikaInoNejiTenKakaIru

* * *

_To Tsunade-sama,_

_Or should I say, Hokage-sama. Whatever. (And I mean whatever with the highest amount of respect.) I'm worried about my students, who are now chuunins. They have been behaving very strangely as of late, and just last week Naruto was crying because Sakura rejected him for Sasuke!_

_Which is nothing new, and that's why it worries me._

_But it's not just Naruto. I'll think of more examples later. My former students seem to be emotionally burdened, and I think they need a psychiatrist or something of the sort._

_Maybe it's some kind of forbidden jutsu that forces adolescent ninjas to act emotionally irrational._

_…Or am I just imagining things?_

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_How old are your students now?_

_Sincerely,  
Tsunade – Hokage V_

---

_To Tsunade-sama,_

_They'd all be around 15 by now. Why?_

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_Sakura skipped out on training today claiming she was having her period._

_Which is impossible, because she had it just a week and a half ago._

_I know these things._

_And then Naruto was pretending not to notice._

_He also didn't notice I was late._

_Is…something going on?_

_Yours truly,  
Kakashi 3_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_They're teenagers. Figure it out yourself._

_Sincerely,  
Tsunade – Hokage V_

---

_Dear Kakashi-sensei,_

_…?_

_Enclosed is the response Hokage-sama sent me when I brought up my concern regarding the same things._

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka (Please don't add that heart on the end of your name. It disturbs me.)_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_The heart adds character._

_Oh, so it's a hormonal thing. Interesting. I'll have to call the other instructors on this._

_I'll notify you ASAP._

_Yours truly,  
Kakashi 3_

---

_To Kakashi-sensei,_

_Thank you. _

_Seriously though…the heart…just…no, okay?_

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_Tsunade-sama told me you had concerns regarding our students' irrational behavior. Like she claimed, it seems to be entirely hormonal, but I seriously think some of our students need psychological help._

_Hinata is depressed. Can you ask someone where I can get some antidepressants? Or should I just force them to spend a day with Gai?_

_Sincerely,  
Yuuhi Kurenai_

---

_Dear Kurenai-sensei,_

_Err…isn't that a bit harsh? Cheer them up; don't traumatize them…_

_Hinata seems fine to me. (She's a nice girl.) Yesterday, she asked me what Naruto's favorite food and color are._

_Wait a second. _

_This is more of a problem than I originally thought._

_Sincerely,  
A concerned Umino Iruka_

---

_Dearest Iruka-sensei,_

_Sasuke needs psychological help. Can't you talk to him? His brooding is really starting to grate on my nerves. And so is Sakura's. And Naruto's._

_Does Naruto even know how to brood? He's got innate brooding skills, just like Sasuke._

_Damn it! Someone call Hokage-sama!_

_Still yours truly,  
A very concerned Kakashi_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_Enclosed is a letter of complaint from Gai. See for yourself._

_Sincerely,  
Tsunade – Hokage V_

---

_To Tsunade-sama,_

_Tenten? I remember her. She was a nice girl. Good with a kunai and good at offensive jutsus. She's still fawning over Hyuuga Neji?_

_Gai scares me and I hope never to read one of his handwritten letters again._

_…His handwriting is very impressive, though._

_Does Hidden Leaf even have a psychiatrist?_

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_So you're not the only one worried. Heh. These kids are growing up so fast…_

_Sniff. Okay, I'm done._

_Something's wrong. Shikamaru's asking me for advice._

_On girls._

_Since when did Shikamaru like girls?_

_Did he like girls back at the academy?_

_…Not that he's gay, though. That's not what I'm trying to imply._

_From,  
Sarutobi Asuma_

---

_Kakashi-sensei,_

_Asuma-sensei gave me a good idea. The children need advice, and they need someone to give it to them._

_But whom would they open up to?_

_Hmm…_

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_Why'd you drop the "dear"? …Or the "to"? Don't you love me?_

_Sniff._

_They'd open up to YOU, that's who! Go out there and help those kids in need! nn_

_Yours truly,  
Kakashi 3_

---

_Kakashi-sensei,_

_…No. No, I don't love you. Sorry. --_

_Well, I remember back when they were my students, they were pretty much the same, so…_

_…and teenagers get reclusive and touchy about their privacy and stuff, so…_

_…no. No, I don't think I'll be a big help here._

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_I agree with Kakashi-sensei. You're excellent at this sort of thing. I think you'd do great._

_If it bothers you, do it anonymously somehow._

_Sincerely,  
Tsunade – Hokage V_

---

_To Tsunade-sama,_

_…How'd…? Kakashi-sensei didn't send you a copy of his letter, did he? Oo_

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_I'm the Hokage. I have methods._

_Sincerely,  
Tsunade – Hokage V_

---__

_Iruka-sensei,_

_Something's wrong with Naruto._

_Aside from the obvious._

_He's been trying to kill me for the past hour and a half._

_I think it was because I made Sakura cry._

_It was an accident._

_I think you should take him to Ichiraku ASAP._

_Uchiha Sasuke_

* * *

**Author's Note**: And so it begins.


	2. uchiha sasuke does not have a fan club

**Dear Sir or Madam  
chapter 2**

**Summary**: Tired of watching issues not quite address themselves, Iruka opens an anonymous advice column. As chuunins, his former students find love more troublesome than missions… A story told through letter correspondence. SakuSasuNaruHinaShikaInoNejiTenKakaIru

* * *

_Kakashi,_

_I'm not even going to bother with formalities. Was that you who put that notice on the bulletin board?_

_No!! I can't do this! I don't have the time! AUGH! Take it down! Right now! Damn it!_

_A very pissed off Umino Iruka (REMOVE IT!)_

_---_

_Dear Iruka,_

_Aw. You know, the lack of a suffix indicates a form of closeness. n.n Mwa ha ha._

_Anyway, you can't take it down. The Hokage-sama herself said that you should do it, and do it you shall._

_Yours truly,  
Kakashi 3_

_---_

_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_Why am I writing this? Advice columns are troublesome._

_A girl I know is troublesome, too._

_Uchiha Sasuke, if you're reading this, I think you should take action to disperse your fan club._

_Signed,  
writing a name is troublesome_

---

_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_Are you a sir or a madam? :D_

_Signed,  
The Best Ninja Ever Who Is Stronger Than Sasuke And the Hokage_

---

_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_Uchiha Sasuke does not have a fan club._

_Someone who knows that Uchiha Sasuke does not have a fan club_

---

_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_T.T Troublesome! Don't insult Sasuke-kun! I know where you live!_

_Signed,  
Ino_

---

_To Kakashi-sensei,_

_Did you see the bulletin board? Oo_

_Shinobi don't have to fight with kunai knives. No, they have to use the damn advice column. -.-_

_This sucks._

_And could you please ask whose bright idea it was to make them address me as "sir or madam"!?_

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka is not a happy camper_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_It was Genma's idea. We couldn't think of a nickname._

_But that doesn't mean we don't love you._

_Yours truly,  
Kakashi 3_

---

_Troublesome, someone, and Cherry Blossom,_

_The bulletin board is not a place for personal debates. Now either ask that sir or madam guy for help or don't write, you crazy bastards. -.-_

_Asuma-sensei_

---

_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_Um…well…how do I say this…_

_I like this guy…_

_Who likes this girl…_

_…who likes this guy…_

_…who hates everyone._

_And, um… This guy I like…doesn't see me that way._

_What should I do?_

_Thank you,  
Hopeless_

---

_Kurenai,_

_Did you see that? Iruka got his first actual request for advice._

_How do you think he'll do?_

_By the way, you free Saturday night? n.n_

_Yours truly,  
Asuma_

---

_Asuma,_

_Yes. If I'm not mistaken, that's my student, Hinata._

_She's such a sweet girl. If Iruka gives her bad advice, I think I'll throw something at him. Something large and heavy and blunt._

_And yes, I am. And no, I will not go out on a date with you._

_Sincerely,  
Yuuhi Kurenai_

---

_Dear Hopeless,_

_Instead of observing this boy from afar, why don't you try and make friends? Spend more time with him. Take him to Ichiraku; cheer him on when he tells you he's going on important missions; listen to him when he has something to say. _

_Eventually, he'll realize Saku—err, that girl isn't the only girl in his life. When he does, take the initiative._

_By the way, thanks to whoever cleaned the bulletin board. _

_Sincerely,  
Sir or Madam_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_Aww, now that wasn't so bad, was it? Admit it. You got warm and fuzzy feelings inside. 3_

_Luckily, the advice you gave didn't suck. Kurenai said she was gonna clobber you if it did._

_By the way, you free Saturday night? n.n_

_Yours truly,  
Kakashi 3_

---

_To Kakashi-sensei,_

_No, I am not free Saturday night._

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Iruka-sensei,_

_Keep up the good work!_

_Sincerely,  
Yuuhi Kurenai_

---

_Naruto-kun,_

_Um…do you want to go to Ichiraku tomorrow night?_

_From,  
Hyuuga Hinata_

---

_Iruka-sensei,_

_Did you take Naruto to Ichiraku?_

_No, you didn't._

_It doesn't matter now. He's going with that white-eyed girl._

_Sakura didn't scream her usual obnoxious "SASUKE-KUN" in my ears this afternoon. I am concerned._

_Uchiha Sasuke_

---

_Hey Hinata,_

_Sure! n.n YAY!_

_Must kill Sasuke first._

_Oh yeah, long time no write Hinata. How've you been? O.o You doing okay? n.n_

_From,  
Uzumaki Naruto_

---

_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_In my team, there is a girl who is very devoted to me._

_Her presence is not unpleasant and she has the utmost confidence in me. The fact that these things do not bother me makes me concerned for my well-being._

_Also, I am concerned about the prospect of her becoming a member of Uchiha's brainless fan club. _

_Normally, I am not very tolerant of others. Therefore, I have reason to believe I am going insane. Would this be a side effect of possessing a bloodline limit?_

_Signed,  
Does Not Play Well With Others Due To The Ability To See Their Internal Organs_

---

_Gai,_

_Are you aware of the fact that one of your students just requested help in the advice column? O.o_

_Sincerely,  
Sarutobi Asuma_

---

_To Asuma who is not my eternal rival,_

_Of course I'm aware of that fact!!_

_I don't understand why Lee would not simply ask me for help. ;.; I am crushed beyond belief! My favorite pupil does not trust my wise words!! Oh, woe is me!!!!!!_

_From,  
The Green Beast of Konoha (Maitou Gai)_

---

_Gai,_

_…That's not Lee._

_Kakashi_

---

_To Kakashi who IS IN FACT my eternal rival,_

_!!! Damn you Kakashi!! You may have won this battle but you have not won the war!!_

_Grr…_

_52:50_

_From,  
The Green Beast of Konoha (Maitou Gai)_

---

_To Asuma,_

_I didn't know Tenten liked girls!! WHAT OTHER THINGS HAVE MY STUDENTS NOT TOLD ME??_

_From,  
The Green Beast of Konoha (Maitou Gai)_

---

_Kakashi,_

_I think Gai needs help._

_Sincerely,  
Sarutobi Asuma_

---

_Dear Kurenai,_

_I think Gai needs help._

_Kakashi_

---

_Iruka-sensei,_

_I think Gai needs help._

_Sincerely,  
__Yuuhi Kurenai_

_---_

_Dear Kurenai-sensei,_

_Please don't tell him to write here._

_Sincerely,  
Umino Iruka_

---

_Dear Does Not Play Well With Others,_

_No, it would not be a side effect of possessing a bloodline limit. It sounds to me as though you enjoy the attention she gives you and the fact that she has so much faith in you. She seems to like you._

_If you're worried about her becoming more devoted to someone else—and, more prominently, if you like her back—I suggest you somehow get her to know that you're grateful for her support, and that you care for her just as much as she cares for you._

_Finding a way to be alone with her doesn't hurt, either._

_Sincerely,  
Sir or Madam_

---

_Dear Sir or Madam,_

_I didn't say I cared!!_

_Signed,  
Does Not Play Well With Others_

---

_Dear Does Not Play Well With Others,_

_Uchiha Sasuke does NOT have a god damn fan club._

_Signed,  
Someone who knows that Uchiha Sasuke does not have a fan club_

---

_Dear Someone who knows,_

_Shut up, Uchiha._

_Signed,  
Does Not Play Well With Others_

* * *

**Author's Note**: Glad to see you guys like the fic. n.n Gai needs help. And yes, Does Not Play Well With Others is in fact Hyuuga Neji.

More student-y mush in later chapters.

Yes, Evil Kasumi. xD Teachers and students alike shall abuse poor Iruka's unique ability to give good and unbiased advice.


End file.
